I am happy to be feeling better, I have needed the energy because I needed to facilitate a group for class this week as well as write two large papers. I have gotten through this week and come out alive :)
Not much has changed in regard to my internship situation. My field director has been unsuccessful in finding a placement for me as no agency wants a student mid-semester. This semester has really not turned out as I've hoped but what can I do-I just had to do something with my previous placement and before I knew it, it dissolved before me. I am praying that something will open up for the spring. I will only be taking four classes at 9 credits so I can handle heavy hours in a field placement if it happens. Although it's still iffy if that could happen. My final option is a summer placement-12-15 weeks....meaning there goes my summer and hopes and plans of moving outta this area :( and increasing my anxieties regarding finding a job. It's not just my own wants to be outta this area, it's the aspect that I finally have the opportunity to live near my biological family---an opportunity that has not been possible since I moved outta the area when I was twelve. So the future right now is in limbo. I am no longer losing sleep over it though because I did what I had to do and I have communicated what I want. I've advocated and now I have to wait.
I also had a conversation with my advisor over my inhibitions with participating in class. I stray away from the norm as a social worker in that I am introvert. While I love helping people, putting myself out there is hard. It's hard for me to speak up in classes, it's hard for me to form on the spot stories related to class materials, it's hard for me to feel confident academically and professionally and I constantly compare to other people and feel I come short when it comes to having the professional social worker status. I know that a lot of this is in my head and is not good for getting me anywhere good if I don't let it go and stop thinking so much about what others think. I want to do my best, I don't want to stand out as the one who never talks. I feel like I missed that stage of development of being involved in class because I was dealing with just trying to survive with my chaotic home life throughout my childhood and adolescence. So now I have to work harder. It's a lot to process sometimes and at the end of the day I am still exhausted even if I am not in a placement right now. But perhaps all this is happening for a reason. I have faith and hope that it will turn out for the best in the end.
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"I stray away from the norm as a social worker in that I am introvert."
ReplyDeleteWell, know that you're not alone. I can speak to that from personal experience, and by observation. I think it's a huge strength as a social worker, as so much of how we're effective is by introspection.
However, as shy as I am, as much anxiety as I have in speaking in public, I know that I gain from doing so, so I push through the fear. I almost quit because I had to do a presentation! However, I got through that by pushing through and haven't looked back. I only gain when I stay with that fear and don't let it control what I'm going to do. I've provided insight to others, said many boring things, and made a fool of myself a bunch of times. But as I've said, I've only gained from each of those experiences...and that's what it's all about.
thanks antiSWer, it's glad to hear from someone who can relate...gaining is indeed key!
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